Ok, quick little story. Wal-Mart sucks. I hate it. I used to work for Wal-mart. The only good thing about Wal-Mart is that I met my wife in Wal-Mart. Well anyway, We shop on sunday morning because Jennifer gets off work that morning and we go as part of our weekly routine because Wal-Mart is not as crowded at that time usually. Well this past Sunday, we were surprised to find Wal-Mart hoppin'. We were ok for a long time till we reached the food section. It was not exactly chaos yet but you could tell that it was building up to be. Stockers still working and those early morning 2 or 3 item shoppers that are in a hurry. Jennifer and I had this big loaded buggyfull of junk food, toiletrys etc and we took it and headed to the front. We even picked up this rainbow umbrella on the way. It was a "Tote" and it was an automatic for $12.00. Good purchase because it had stormed heavily the night before. Well guess what: 1 "U-Scan" and 1 checkout open. There was 3 people in line already, one with a big buggy full and two with like 3 carried items. Well after we get inline, more and more people line up behind us with only a few items. We are "nice" people and Jennifer regularly lets people in front of us in line when they have only a few items. Well, we did'nt this time because we when does it stop. People that carry a few items to the front are not better and besides there is a "U-Scan". Well, the people behind us are visably irritated at the situation for good reason...Wal mart should never staff their stores like this. In our minds, this situation is getting out of control and we are becoming more and more anxious. The temperature is increasing and the area is getting louder and louder as more and more people come into the mix. The intercom is loud and the mind control signals becomes defening. People are huffing and walking off in frustration as the cashier does her job as quickly and precisely as I would expect her to. Get this...A "CSM" (customer service manager) walks from the service desk (which is devoid of customers) and politely asks one of the customers behind us to check out with her in customer service. Apparently she was exchanging something. She then asked everyone in line that was carrying a few items if they were buying tobacco. I laughed out loud, I couldnt help myself. Jennifer and I both were nicking so bad at that moment anyway. Well we didn't give in when we could have easily (Well, I would not easily fork over $6 for a pack of reds). Well, we did'nt and as we were leaving the CSM that was in the Customer service area was standing with ANOTHER CSM at the front of the store chit-chatting. OK we have like one cashier manning the U-Scan and one running a register and 2 standing not doing anything. Well, to make matters worse, the Umbrella we picked up, we later found out was no good and we had to return it. We came back later that night and as I was walking from the car, 3 girls with a HUGE screen TV in a buggy walked in the front entrance. After a few seconds, it hit me that I was gonna hafta wait in line behind them returning that TV which was gonna probably take for freaking ever just so i could exchange my Umbrella for a good one. The door greeter was not amused when I stated "I should have gotten here a few minutes earlier" and simply stated for me to proceed to the Customer Service Desk for an exchange and that this entrance was going to close in 10 minutes (Walmart's grocery side is open 24-7). Great! Well I toddled over to the Customer Service Desk like a good little citizen and...well, watch for you self.
Well, I had to just blurt out the question "Can I just run through a register to do an even exchange?" because no one even looked at me. The girl that answered said no and confiscated my umbrella telling me to go fetch the one I wanted and bring it to her. Sweet gal. Well I went to the spot up front next to the checkouts and...It was like the twilight zone. There was nothing there. Like they never were. I took my receipt back to the desk, took my umbrella back and made a little joke (even though I was irritated) to the CSMs (didn't even crack a smile or acknowledge that they heard me) and f---in' left Wal-mart with my Rainbow umbrella that someone might see me carrying and think that I am gay (not that there is anything wrong with that). That is what I get for being a closet homophobe that shops at wal-mart. C'ya next week!
Moral of the story: Don't worry if someone thinks you are gay (you are), don't smoke, Don't expect people to like you, and don't shop at wal-mart.
I am not in the mood, really to talk about my fat. No pictures. I am sick of life today. Just to let you know. I hate our world, our society. Money. Business. Insurance. Work. Cars. Airplanes. Government. Houses. Utilities. Drinks. Meat. Piss. Clothes. Conspiracies. Wind. I must stop myself. I am really sick of it all though. Got a good job. Got fat. Not doing good enough at my job. Got a new boss. Bad boss. Scott gets a little nervous. Downward spiral. Depression. Anxiety. Clammed up. Paranoia. Overwhelming sense of impending doom. Feeling of being trapped. Being lost and confused. Cant focus. Cant concentrate on anything. Feeling of losing time. Being NOT GOOD ENOUGH! Keep on truckin. No bother. Just keep it inside. Don't tell anyone. Ankles swell up. Heart palpitations. Dizzy. Nausea. Boom. I freak out. I lose it. Great. Now I am fat and CRAZY too. Well. Good job. Now I can take 5 days off a month no worries. Now I can take 2 extra breaks a day. I go to see a therapist. Great stuff. Making progress. Doing great at work. Got a bonus. Got back a lot from IRS. Boom. Now work is harder than ever. People are meaner. Problems harder. Can't do as good a job. Boom. Stressing. I work through it. Outside work is great. Oh, I see a keyboard I would like to get. Well, now. Wouldn't you like to get that. Not in your wildest dreams. Not so fast. You have a wonderful wife that makes it possible by shifting money around. WOW! AND she gets something she wants too! Boom Boom BOOM! I grit my teeth. Cracked. Bottom. FUCK. It hurts. Now I am really fucked. Right? UPS man where are you? Got it. Awesome keyboard. Synthesizer. Techno. Industrial. Whatever. I can fight the pain of my tooth. It hurt me before. I just don't want to make a big deal out of it. Whump...Whump...Whump. It really hurts now. I got 5 days off in a row. I go to dentist. Dentist says I need a root canal. See when I broke my tooth about a year ago, I didn't get it looked at. I just dealt with the pain, till it went away. I brushed the best I could in that area. Well, now I have 4 cavities and one of them is infected. No wonder I have been feeling so weird lately. I have an infection in my head. Well. I think I will make it. No problem. BOOOM! Just the crown is @$1000. My insurance covers 1/2. The Canal itself is going to be $229 with insurance. The Keyboard is being sent back and we will be in debt. BOOOOOM. Supervisor Sends me a message: Your days off were not approved. I am completely in shock and amazement at how hard people work for some GOD DAMN corporate entity to make sure that it does not lose out on any little morsel of profit. I can only hope that I am not going to lose my job. This is really the last straw for me. I have no more love for this world. I am on antibiotics now. I have pain medicine. I hate medicine. I hate pain. I hate pain medicine. What I need is about 4 free years to get things straight. It seems that we come into this world and we are already in debt. I cannot seem to get my head above water. there is always someone with their fucking foot on my head. No one can get anything without paying dearly for it. I can't get out of anything. Nothing. I have to suffer. No exceptions. I have to be in pain or pay a lot of money. I have to be depressed and anxious and suffer from paranoia and attention deficit disorder unless I can pay for visits to a therapist and a psychiatrist. I can't have any excuse for being out of work unless it is related to this, and then only if it is approved and monitored and noted and discussed. I can't pay for insurance and expect anyone to pay for my problems. I have to have insurance and I have to suffer. I have no choices. No freedom. I cannot pursue my own happiness because I am busy trying to pursue my necessities. I cannot start a business. I cannot help my sister with hers, nor can i help my wife start her own. I have to sit here in my SHIT and SUCK IT UP like a fucking rover, I roll over and over and take it. Play dead. That is all I am doing now. Playing dead. Like a good boy. Life is also good. I know this. I just need to see something more than just barely breaking even. I don't want to get "Ahead" I just want my head out of the water enough to be comfortable for a while. I have struggled enough. I think. I bet you have too. Well you are gonna have to fight me for it. Just kidding. I'll share with you!
Well, we burn incense. Is this no better than smoking? It is smoke. Tar. Ash. We keep matches handy. I LOVE it. Don't know why. Let's say, for example, someone smokes weed. If they smoke weed, are they a smoker then or is it only when applying to cigarettes. I know some people that do not consider it the same. What if you are on fire. What if you are in a fire. What if you light farts? Are you a smoker or is it just your farts that smoke? Just wondering. Thanks for your time.
Lots of happenings. Busted a tooth a while back. One in the back. No worries, I can take it. Well, it really started hurting when I started grinding my teeth at night due to anxiety. Well, now I need a root canal. The Keyboard has got to go back. Oh, and it was the 49 key version... Real bummer. I got to play with it a little. I have to rethink everything. Is my tooth worth all of our savings and a synthesizer? Stay tuned...
There are some people that have a sort of old school mentality regarding being a musician. I dropped out of that school years ago. The lessons were too easy and boring. Not that I wanted instant gratification, I knew that I sucked and I knew that I was always going to be a suckie player because there is always someone "better" and I had no interest in jockeying for that position. I just wanted [and still want] to make sounds. That's all. This old school teaches that guitar is played a certain way and any other way is either gimmicky or somehow lesser in quality. I totally disagree. I feel that anyone that owns an instrument and plays it is a musician, provided they actually play it and call themselves one.
The guitar is a beautiful instrument, evolved over centuries into perfection. There are HUGE differences between a "good" guitar and a cheap one. These reasons are obvious if you do a side by side comparison. Aside from the quality and feel of a good guitar, it's perfect construction and distinctive sound, the price is the major factor here.
Who would buy a poorly crafted mass produced guitar with poor quality parts when you can choose to buy an expertly crafted one? A starving artist. This does not mean that I think that people with money are not artistic (that is up for debate I am sure), only that people with money have access to better more reliable equipment.
I am not whining here. My point is that there is this huge stigma over certain equipment from certain manufacturers [or not using certain manufacturers] because they are not considered "pro" gear or that they are lame or cheap or whatever. My feeling about this [MY feeling {this is MY blog}] is that it is about selling a name and making money. Who has not heard of a "Marshall" or a "Fender" or whatever? Sales. Sure a Marshall is fine quality and all that. I would love a Marshall stack in my living room although Jennifer would not. I cannot afford one. I will never be in a position to afford one because I do not have a degree, nor do I know what I would get one in, and I never play the lottery. I would like to have an amp. I can afford a cheap one so I got a cheap one. Sure it is not the best design and it is a little bit cheap looking, but I am not trying to impress everyone with my ability to buy expensive gear. I want to make sounds. I have an amp to do that. I have a guitar [the G string is a little twangy], a drum machine [a good enough one] and now [upon delivery soon] a synthesizer. These things are not expensive, the synthesizer is the cheapest one they make and the drum machine was on clearance because they make drum machines now that have more features.
The acoustic guitar has a beautiful sound that can make me cry. Not the player even. Just the sound. Electric guitar was my choice not only because fretting chords hurt my fingers and I was impatient at first, but also because there are more [to me] possibilities with electric. I have, over the years, collected many guitar effect pedals. Distortions, Phasers, Flangers, Tremolos, etc. I like using all of these effects for many reasons. Some people of the old school think that you can rely too heavily on these effects and that they destroy your tone. I could not disagree more. You rely on an effect if that is your personal taste and you "destroy your tone" if you want to. I have seen musicians destroy their own expensive gear onstage. Talking about destroying tone! My feelings about this are that if you want to sound like Clapton or Hendrix or whatever, buy the same equipment they bought, play the same songs they played and play dress up like they did. That is your right to do so. New products are always made to try to emulate some vintage sound and even cheap stuff is available to do that so you are in luck! This old school mindset has kept music in the dark ages for too long though.
I am not saying [typing] that vintage sucks by any means and I am not slamming anyone that does this because all the greats were influenced by the people that used this equipment, but I am NOT about to endorse any particular brand. I have my favorites, they are merely a matter of personal taste and not important.
I look at effect pedals as well as the "tone" produced by certain guitar and amp combinations sort of like I would look at paint.
The pick acts as the brush and the amp is the canvas [or something like that].
Instead of looking, the [however small] audience listens to the art.
Basically, old school mentality is like paint by number and whatever I am trying to do [and no doubt countless others {some rich and famous i am sure}] is more like mixed media. I want to see what happens if you do this or that and I don't care if it sounds bad.
Block chords on a piano are hard to listen to and whenever a kid gets near one, that is what you are gonna hear, but they are awesome in certain compositions. Just because it is not hard to do does not mean it is lesser in ANY way.
I look at guitar the same way. I can play some stuff OK. I can create sounds better though, when I am not trying to sound like someone else. One repetitive note on a guitar played over a sampled loop from an old tv show and sci-fi sounds of can have a whole lotta feeling in it when it has the right amount of chorus, overdrive, echo and reverb in it and all the smokin' licks, hammer-on's and pull-offs in the world can sound like...everything else.
My final say: Old school is cool for some cats, but not for me because I can't afford tuition. Besides, I've got ADD.
Took a walk this morning. Dark outside. Very brisk walk. Feel amazing. I am still out of breath now. I have thought about things, and I have to retract what I said about pictures. I think it is a great idea, if you are serious about losing weight, just dont look at them. Have someone else take the pictures and keep them till later on. no pictures = no proof. I was feeling extra fat yesterday, but when I looked at one of my old pictures, I really felt better about things. Jeez, I looked like a refrigerator (I was wearing a big white t-shirt).
The expression on my face does not really show my true feelings at the time the photograph. I don't know why it came out that way. Now, upon looking at the photograph, I did in fact have that same expression. A little frustrated and disappointed. A little grossed out and a little mad. I think that it is the shirt with the overhead light that puts this glare on the top of my fat. I post it anyway.
I did not lose from the front, but I did from the sides. A little. Still a-fat-rollin'. It being Tuesday, I did really pig out last night. Celebration of a birthday included chess bars, red wine and claydough's pizza again... "Ultimate Pepperoni"!
I had an experience today that really made me think on one level. Made me appreciate everything and in one moment, really scared me deeply. Time truly passed very slowly as this happened, and I can clearly remember it in detail, even though it happened in the blink of an eye. If I had blinked today, I would not be writing this now. I have been nearly killed many times before, but this time, I somehow did not get visibly shaken...I was more upset that I was not upset. I did not freak out. I did not cry, I just cursed, and went on about my day. This was almost blacked out from my consciousness...only I am aware of it. It was just weird. Kinda like this photo...
and this...
I was sitting at the red light at my work, on lunch. Waiting to turn left. Pleasant day. Sky streaked with chemtrails (mental note made...It was hotter than it had been the previous day with no chemtrails). I waited, listening to the silence. Tired of calls. Doing a good job, though. Happy. Hungry. Green. Go. I am so cautious. I always look left and right and forward and behind whenever I make any move in my car. I looked left, only one car in 2 lanes, sitting at a complete stop. Looked right. Nothing at all. No cars ahead, trying to turn right and create that awkwardness as I need to get over to the far right as soon as I turn left so I can get on the exit ramp to get on the freeway. I pull out cautiously. WWWWWWHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!
I watched in slow motion as a car sped thru the light going, I am sure, around 50 mph. This car passed the front of mine at this speed at a distance of about 2 yards that looked like about 6 inches from my perspective and felt like I was actually hit. I watched in slow motion as the obviously old man (He was wearing a member's only jacket and an old man cap perched on the top of his head) staring intently on the road ahead. I watched him pass in slow motion and I thought to myself that I almost died. I would have been killed. I had my seat belt on, and we have side impact airbags, but I do not feel that this would have protected me. I am extremely happy that I was over-cautious and looked twice. I would have really been splattered all over the place. I immediately thought "What is going to happen?", "What will Jennifer do?", "What if I...survive?", "Would I want to?", "What of my family?", "What would happen?", "Would I be over with?", "Is there a heaven?". I felt rage, fragility, futility, sadness, fateful, lucky, random, ok.
We have made plans so that I can get a xiosynth and Jennifer can get some art supplies and a new pocketbook. Of course, I still feel guilty, but I am working on that. I know that she is getting something she wants too, but she will not end up spending as much money as I will, and there is always other things that the money should be spent on. Oh, well. If I were a carpenter, I would buy a nice set of tools. I have a keyboard, but it is not by any means a good one, more or less just for kids. You can get sounds from it that are great for my purposes, but it takes a lot of tweaking and assigning effects plus you cannot save the changes on it. I did get a synth, but it is a Yamaha FM synth toy as well. Very fun and I will sample some of it's weird sounds too, but it is also hard to work with.
As far as my current equipment goes, I have a korg Electribe ES-1 mk II rhythm sequencer, my guitars (one standard and one DADDAC), my effect pedals and a 4 channel keyboard amp.
I learned at an early age that black makes you look thinner. It really was to my benefit that all the cool kids wore black. At least I had that going for me in high school. I can sort of tell that I am losing some weight on some days, but others I feel fatter than ever. It can be really disheartening when I have gone without the comfort of eating for a week and I try to fit into older fat clothes without success. I guess that it is just being SO big, water weight can really mean +/- 5 pounds on me and that big a difference means that I have a really bloaty day where I feel like a marshmallow and a day that I feel more thin. In the above picture, not only am I wearing all black, but I am feeling that this is a thin day. That said, I did eat at Claydough's Pizza...Wow. That was absolutely delicious food. The best toppings and personality. I did not eat my full serving and brought some home.
Alien Nazis?
