Just thinking

I wonder if the black magic we are under is because we beg for our television and our internet and our cellphones etc. We can't go without it and it is what is hypnotizing us into being weakened slaves. We are completely controlled by our base desires as a society. All the electronics operate on certain frequencies and maybe these frequencies are not harmonious to our natural frequencies and they cause us great pain. Just thinking...

Lay Zee

I don't know why I get so nervous. I get on edge when anything is about to happen. Anything that is about to change. I feel like I need to be on edge to take control and not feel guilty for not doing someting. I dont want to be lazy and I don't want to appear lazy and I don't want to think of myself as lazy.

much fun

I havent played in about a week. I did tonight and it was really fun. I still have it!

It's about freeking time!!!

I weigh 364 now. I cannot believe it. I am over the hump. I am still a fatty and I did not order my new breeches yet so no pictures for you. Yo ujust have to take my word. I promise. I am looking so fine! I'd do me.... (Sorry)

from my work between calls

What is it that really matters here? What is your concern? You are in a body. Are you somebody? Where does your mind begin and reality end. And the world end. The world end. There is a place between that is discomfort it is change and chaos A place in between. A twilight world that is and isn't. I Crack my eggshell skull pouring out tortured matter gray fractured pieces were containing something something wild and hopeless upon a black surface a space this time between your heart and mine. Feeling a twisting and churning between my can and cannot. Id like to break. Id like to break. I need to break. I need to break. It's time to break. But I stretch. Something pulls. I smack this head and feel my pain I need to end this world there is no end. There is no end. My mind has now ended and the world has stopped reality is not. Nothing is real. I cannot complete this MIRROR PUZZLE it's glass shards have severed my arteries but I cannot bleed enough. To stop this reality. I want to rip off my skin and poke out my eyes and cover my ears, but I can't get the taste of blood out of my mouth with gas on fire I burn in hell and flames no end to this no end to this no end to this i cant bring this to an end my brain is nothing and I am still in this reality aware of my nothing and nothing more. I am where the mind ends and reality begins.

EAT SMOKE

I can see that my struggle with weight has really came to a head recently. I have had some strange feelings about smoking lately that I just don't fully understand. I have become a voracious eater. I am always grazing like a fat bovine with the slightly larger cranium and the nervous expression. I counted my points today (Flex) and I went over again. Not by much, but I am weaker than before. I went to the gym today as I have been doing for the last 3 months and I can see that I am not making progress like I want to. I get frustrated when I think about what I have put into my health only to find that my health has actually gotten worse since I quit! High bloodpressure, swollen ankles for unknown reasons, pancrease issues, potential for diabetes and I'm fucking weak now! I guess I just got old while I was quitting... or did quitting make me get old? I know it had it's moments where I thought I was going to die. I guess It's not healthy to question that and just be thankful that I can breathe. Thanks for reading.

Are you kidding me?

Yeah, I am still here. Just had some crazy stuff going on. My Computer crashed, got it up and running again but didnt blog here for a while and then it became infected with some malware. I just got this mother up and running with no viruses, so I am happy to inform you that I will continue this blog. I am definitely still losing weight, just not enough to show in clothes much. I have started weight training (not serious) to increase my muscle mass and whatever. I'm working on m'pecs. I will, as I said before, post another picture when there is a visable change. I think I have posted a fat pic of me in every outfit I own. I will wait till I have a new outfit to show you! No pics till then!

Jacko

I just realized that I have not mentioned anything about Michael Jackson's passing. He was very important to me as a little boy. I think he was a strange man. I know that he wanted to be strange and that he wanted to be in the tabloids, but I think that this got a little carried away. Being weird is cool. He will be sorely, sorely missed.

Stubby Grub Grubs

I have toes. Mine. My toes are so easily stubbed. Stub. I hate the need to clip the nails on the tips of my stubs. Grubs. That is about how cute my toes are. I dont care to have cute toes, but I would rather they be cute than stubby grub grubs on crusty crustaceous morgue feet. yeah I said crusty. Being overweight is hard on feet and heels, so the skin gets a lot of abuse and thickens. Yay! That's attractive. Jennifer will NEVER read this with any luck. Thank you for reading.

Wow. That was close.

I came close to needing a cig a few days ago because of some personal health problems. Frustration definitely seems to summon the beast more than anything else. Being at work is not a problem, but when I leave, I go out the back door and I pass the "Smoke Shack". The wafting of smoke actually makes me a little sick, but I somehow miss it during my breaks. It was something to look forward to... a little indulgence with a little smoker's talk. Shootin' the shit. Non-smokers have to deal with the awkward and unspoken "OK, I am done talking with you because you are boring and I have better things to do." Smokers know that their shit shootin' time is @ 5 min per cigarette. A conversation in poor taste can be ended because you need an ash tray. You can use your cigarette while you are talking and smoking can be used to express certain things that non-smokers cannot express, like leaning back and taking a big drag after a clever annecdote. My favorite was that if you are alone and smoking, people think you are busy and don't usually come up to you for a chat when you don't want one. It makes the day go much better when you can smoke during your breaks. That is one thing I miss the most is the social aspect of smoking. There is nothing else that we do that is similar to this. At least nothing that I can think of... I do work out now and that is actually healthy. My workout buddy, Omar, and I shoot the shit while lifting weights, so I guess this is similar, only we cant do it just anywhere, it has to be in a gym setting. See, I told you! Nothing else! Just because you CAN do something, though, dosent mean you SHOULD do it. No more smoking for me, please!
[sorry no spellcheck today]

Wow. That was close.

I came close to needing a cig a few days ago because of some personal health problems. Frustration definitely seems to summon the beast more than anything else. Being at work is not a problem, but when I leave, I go out the back door and I pass the "Smoke Shack". The wafting of smoke actually makes me a little sick, but I somehow miss it during my breaks. It was something to look forward to... a little indulgence with a little smoker's talk. Shootin' the shit. Non-smokers have to deal with the awkward and unspoken "OK, I am done talking with you because you are boring and I have better things to do." Smokers know that their shit shootin' time is @ 5 min per cigarette. A conversation in poor taste can be ended because you need an ash tray. You can use your cigarette while you are talking and smoking can be used to express certain things that non-smokers cannot express, like leaning back and taking a big drag after a clever annecdote. My favorite was that if you are alone and smoking, people think you are busy and don't usually come up to you for a chat when you don't want one. It makes the day go much better when you can smoke during your breaks. That is one thing I miss the most is the social aspect of smoking. There is nothing else that we do that is similar to this. At least nothing that I can think of... I do work out now and that is actually healthy. My workout buddy, Omar, and I shoot the shit while lifting weights, so I guess this is similar, only we cant do it just anywhere, it has to be in a gym setting. See, I told you! Nothing else! Just because you CAN do something, though, dosent mean you SHOULD do it. No more smoking for me, please!
[sorry no spellcheck today]