Being a fatty

It sucks to be a fatty. A food addiction is NOTHING like smoking, or drinking. You can go your whole life without smoking or drinking beer. You HAVE to eat. You have no choice. You can not avoid eating. This means that you are constantly forced to face your addiction...3 times a day. People are more understanding of a drug addict. We even tolerate an alcoholic over a fat person. Fat people cannot hide their vice, yet the serious eaters do a lot of their eating in hiding. It is because people think of the word fat and immediately think big, stupid, slow, gross, lazy, smelly, hairy, ugly, etc. The word fat has so much more tied to it than, say, crack whore, or pothead. Is being thin all that matters in life? I have seen some fuggly thin people that are famous and rich. A lot of the "Sexy" people in hollywood have dog-like faces and personalities like that of a distressed colon, yet they are considered sex symbols. It just sucks to be a fatty, so starve yourself! Be extremely vain! Get mad when you see the small snickers costing $.99 and the king size costing $1.24. We are forced to be fat. This makes us weak and out of breath, over-eating their expensive junk food and paying more for clothes and yearning to be skinny and beautiful.

Wow! It has been too long!

What a freaking delayed reaction! My nervousness dropped and then skyrocketed. I get leg spasms. We are not fighting, in fact we are closer because of what we are going through together. I have been smoking still, but about 3 a day. One day I am fine (we have none) and then I get a pack and smoke 4 that day. Eating is still a problem for me. Some kind of oral fixation or something. I am sure I can beat this in time. I just need to make it a short amount of time.

To the butt!!!!!!!

My wife and I both have seriously reduced our daily nicotine dose to the point now where she told me this morning that she felt like her insides were crawling out of her fingertips. We have been smoking 1/2 cigarettes at a time so we could go smoke more frequently, even if it was not to the butt. Of all the days of having cut back to quit, today is the worst. We both are at our wits end and are acting strangely. We are fighting about things like a misunderstanding about the channel we are watching on TV or something. This would have happened sooner if we quit "cold turkey" (why is it called "cold turkey"?). My paranoia level is swelling slightly now.

I hate to bother you...

Quitting smoking is really just an excuse to become a cigarette bum! "Could I bum a cigarette from you? THANK YOU so much! You have no idea how much I needed this!" you say. Indeed they don't know, because they are not quitting smoking. Still at about 2.5 a day and sort of tapering off at this point. Need to make another step out of my comfort zone...we'll see.

The Sky fell

We are little bubbles in infinite waters
floating to the surface of the waters which is the infinite sky.
We have many adventures on our journey.
Finally we arrive at the surface but there is no longer a bubble.
We see that we are really sky surrounded by water.
We see that we are a part of the great big sky.
Where do we fit in?
Where is the hole that we must fill in the sky?
We look to see that the sky is infinite.
Eternal.
How can we be a fraction of infinity?
Through the math we finally realize
we are not just a small part of the sky.
We are the infinite sky.
This goes on.
This must go on.
Burst your bubble.

Droplets form rain that falls to the waters

Jitterbugz

So far, averaging 2.5 per day with a few jitters and no outbursts. I hate what this drug has done to me. I watch celebrity rehab and can relate to Jeff Conaway from Taxi freaking out over heroin, painkillers, cocaine and alcohol. Drinking a lot of water helps. So does eating. My pants are getting tight on me now. I think I will kick this completely in 2 weeks! I better, because I am fat enough as it is. Next project: Become a starving artist.

Cleaning out my ears

I have absolutely nothing to say today. Am I tired? Not really. Am I bored? Don't think so. Am I restless? No. I just think that it is good to NOT talk sometimes. That is what I will do now.

Could not write till now...Computer too frustrating!

I have lost all track of time...down to 2 a day now. I get really shaky after 6 hours. I feel more energetic and it makes me act a little strange. Maybe it is simply the nicotine that makes me more passive. I know that I have a motormouth now. I get mad about politics now and passionate. You probably would not like me now. I am not sure if I like me not on their drug. Maybe I just have known myself so long on their drug that I forgot who I really am. Maybe I have never really known myself.

Day 1

Well, I quit. I enjoyed smoking so much. Isn't that stupid sounding? I liked to inhale smoke. Well, we can discuss the habit at length, but the simple fact is that I am not going to do it anymore...well, I mean, a LOT less. I smoked about 1/2 a pack a day. I tried cold turkey before and I am not going to put myself through that ever again. I smoked my last one around 3:30am on new year's day. I have had the withdrawal symptoms for a few hours. I am going to smoke one today because I am extremely jittery and nervous. I have not noticed any irritability yet. Time will tell.

It is so cold outside, I barely enjoyed the cigarette anyway. Still a little jittery. I plan to smoke none tomorrow. Work will test my patience.