God I have wanted a cig so bad in this last week! I have not wanted one in a while. I have a secret. A friend that smoked these teeny tiny little thin menthol cigarettes left a pack here. I saw it and made a little mental note. I have known this for like 6 months or something. I do not like menthol at all so this has not been a big deal, but have I thrown them away? They have been beckoning me. I know that if I get them out, I will end up desperately smoking one and freaking out trying to hide the smell that Jennifer will smell with her radar nose. then i think to myself, here now, Why do you want to smoke so bad? maybe you could try something else...eating? Nope. maybe something like exercise? I guess.
This has been a hard couple of weeks for some reason. I love my job right now, even on the bad days, but the bad days seem so very bad. People are so freaking mean and stupid sometimes. I think back to times when I acted similar and it seems like it was when I was around 12 or so, maybe 9. Lashing out, name calling, lying, accusing, not accepting consequences for my actions, not holding myself accountable, feeling entitled, you get the idea. Anyway, I have not smoked. I just want one really bad. I guess that it is ok that I want to. Or is it? Should I allow myself to be happy? I love to smoke so much. The smoking itself is great but the social part is even better. I just miss it. That's all. If you have never smoked before, you will never know what it's like. It's like being told you can never have peanut butter and chocolate again. Period. It just sucks. Thank you so much for reading this blog. I hope that it helps you in some way, even just to laugh at my poor writing skills. ~
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