DAY 2: FEAR OF SUCCESS

A subconscious negative perception about success can overpower our conscious desire to attain it.

woaaahh! hold everything

not a good morning. just found out the wife is getting her hours cut back, then while looking for a job for an uneducated person such as myself, i checked my email. has it been 3 weeks? i guess so. there it was. i failed the test by 5%. i guess i'll have to retake it. that's okay. it would have possibly all happened too fast for me since i still need to lose weight and all that. still struggling with the whole self discipline thing. my body is rejecting that book like a diseased kidney transplant or something. this was a tremendous setback for me. i am still in shock and don't know how i will handle it later. keep an eye on the news for me, just in case. thanks for the support/sorry for the let down.

PROMETHEUS

⋆⋆⋆⋆ good. not perfect, though. too many little nit-picky things. delivers.

i felt that some of the more important things in the movie should have been explained a little more to avoid confusion and this may be a problem with writing or editing. from opening scene this was an issue. what exactly just happened? you may ask yourself that more than once.
the direction was fast paced, maybe too fast for people like me with questions. this led to problems later on in the movie. we were introduced to some technologies of the future, but not thoroughly enough to allow suspension of disbelief later as these technologies become integral to the plot. this was my biggest problem with the movie. it was almost like the writers had tons of ideas, but didn't care to sell their ideas to the viewers too much and just went with it.

although many people rolled their eyes because the main character is a scientist struggling with faith (equipped with a cross), i felt that it is vital to this story and adds an element of interest. there is a little too much mystery in some of the character's actions making the outcomes a little hard to swallow sometimes, but my favorite character was the most mysterious android "david". well done, michael fassbender.

some of the action parts were a little clumbsy feeling, but the special effects were outstanding and completely overpowered this.

the space vessel 'prometheus' was beautiful and the interior shots were very nice. the technology, especially the computers, was more up-to-date looking.
i really liked the space suits. they seemed to be of a similar technology to the ones in ALIEN only a nicer brand name.
oh, and the engineers (space jockeys, what-have-you) were pretty cool, but there is another extra-terrestrial surprise that is quite impressive and there is some very interesting things going on regarding genetics and reproduction. too bad it is not explained at all. leaves one to question whether the writers know what is going on or not.
PROMETHEUS ends rather strangely with a hint of a PROMETHEUS 2.

today's post

you may or may not have noticed but in my more recent posts, i have began typing in all lower case. this may or may not be for one or more of several possible reasons:

1: i am not a capitalist.
2: i am making a statement against those people that type in ALL CAPS.
3: i am lazy and don't care enough to press the shift key.
4: i have no pinky fingers.

DAY 1: FEAR OF FAILURE

"The point: Subconsciously, we all link failure to humiliation. Fear of humiliation hampers our ability to make a strong commitment to our chosen endeavors, the big stuff and the little stuff. Commitment is a necessary ingredient of self-discipline."

it says in the book (exercise #1) to write down 3 past experiences that i perceived as mistakes, failures or just dumb behavior. as much as i would love to share these with you, i don't wish to give you any more ammunition with which to make any assumptions about me or to pre-judge me, so i won't. i did write them down and just like the book said i would, i felt my breath change and my muscles tighten in my neck. revisiting these experiences is not pleasant and the physiological reaction to simply thinking of them and writing them down was eerie when i payed attention to it. most of the time, i feel that feeling and don't think anything about it... just tense, anxious, nervous, etc.

so much for exercise #1. i reccomend you do it as well.

tired of sleep

i had a dream that i was running effortlessly. maybe that is why i am so sore this morning. i am starting to get a little bit irritated. although i am exhibiting control when it comes to food and drink and as a result am losing weight, yesterday and today, i woke up late when my plan was to get up and go to the ymca early. what happened? second shift happened. this shift is killing me. i have been battling depression and this shift is part of the problem. there are not any first shift jobs that i am 'qualified' for and no openings at my current job, so i am at a loss. i wake up feeling horrible every morning. i hate to sleep anyway. i have always felt that it is a waste of time. don't get me wrong, when i am sleeping and comfortable, that is just alright. but, for example, last night; i tossed and turned from one sore side to the other. then comfortable, my arm goes to sleep. the last hour of sleep is the worst, because i am uncomfortable and asleep, but partially awake-enough to realize i am uncomfortable, just not awake enough to do anything about it except go back to sleep. over and over and over.

what does all of this mean? you see, all along, (even as i type these words), i have known that i didn't have to go to the ymca early since it is open till about 8:00 pm. i could go any time before work. i clock in at 4:00 pm. what this means is that i am undisciplined. i am seriously in need of help here. if it were as simple as going to the store and buying discipline, i'd be okay. no, discipline would probably be overpriced. who knows. this stuff is gold, but it comes from your childhood or something. i don't know. i know that i don't have it. it is what makes so many people just effortlessly glide through life. i obtained a book by theodore bryant, msw, called self-discipline in 10 days. i am going to be applying this book to my life and, interestingly enough, my next 10 posts for you to enjoy.

the test isn't over

i know what i have to do. i have needed to for a long time. i have got to get in shape. that is part of the reason for applying for the position of firefighter. i know that it is hard work. i am not afraid of hard work. i just like to be fat. you know, it is easy to be fat. you just sit. and eat. and think. that is my life. sitting, eating and thinking. sitting makes me fat. eating makes me fat. thinking makes me depressed and so i want to sit and eat more. tired of that. i need discipline. desperately.

the following is a description of the physical abilit test for applicants, which simulates the job of a firefighter. Applicants are required to pass all components of the test within the alloted time. To pass the test, applicants that perform all ten tasks consecutively, without interruption, in proper sequence, within seven minutes. Throughout the test, applicants are required to wear an air tank.

TASK 1: HOSE DRAG (50 foot length, 3 inch hose, 57 pounds)
TASK 2: HOSE CARRY UP STAIRS (2-1/2 inch folded hose, 36 pounds)
TASK 3: HOSE PULL (50 foot length, 2-1/2 inch hose, 36 pounds)
TASK 4: SCALING 4-1/2 FOOT WALL
TASK 5: LADDER RAISE (20 feet, 60 pounds)
TASK 6: LADDER CLIMB AND DESCEND (about 10 feet)
TASK 7: CLIMBING STAIRS WITH DUMBELL WEIGHT (15 pounds)
TASK 8: FORCIBLE ENTRY SIMULATION - HIT TIRE WITH MAUL (8 pound maul, 77 oound weighted tire, 12-1/2 foot laung metal-surface table)
TASK 9: TUNNEL CRAWL (25 feet long, 2-1/2 feet high, 3 feet wide)
TASK 10: DUMMY DRAG (5 foot, 5 inch, 145 pound dummy, 45 foot drag)

Plus I will need to do sit-ups, push-ups and run 1/4 mile all timed.

i need to fully commit my life to this. i have said before that putting all of one's eggs in one basket is sometimes the only option, particularly if one only has one egg and one basket. i have since dropped all the rotten eggs and it is way too late for the multiple basket thing. if there is a chance, i can do it. if i don't it is because i don't want to. or they don't want me because i am too old and fat. this isn't a fatalistic outlook and i know that there is still a future for me if they don't want me, but the point is that this is what i want and i am going to do everything in my power to get it and i am not going to give up. i am not going to say or think "this is too hard for me" or "this is impossible". it isn't and i am out to prove that anything is possible and anyone can change their life with self discipline and focus. well, anyway...gotta exercise and get my haircut today. cya!

seventy-five questions later

okay i got there at 8:45ish. surprisingly not out of breath (i did take the elevator). we were told that we had 2 hours to complete the test. at around 9:30 we began the test. i chuckled because i couldn't help notice the sounds of all the #2 pencils filling in the little scantron bubbles.















the guy beside me finished in approximately 30 minutes. then another guy and another one. as i puttered slowly through the test booklet at airship velocity, using a pencil to fill in the bubbles proved to be more of a challenge than many of the questions. no matter how sure i was of the answer, though, the answer will have either been correct or incorrect. i began to struggle as questions about standard operating procedures began to appear. unsure about a lot of these answers, i could only guess. all i can do is hope that the guess was right on enough of them to ensure i make a 65% or greater. no matter how unsure of the answer, though, the answer will have either been correct or incorrect. i finished second to last and that included my pee break. 3 weeks and i will know something. if anyone is out there reading this drivel, shoot a prayer or two my way. thanks for reading!

C R A M

preparing to take the test for entry into the fire academy. i have studied the chapters on firefighter orientation, hoses & ladders and first aid & rescue. i now have to study standard operating procedures and emergency incident rehabilitation like crazy. up until this morning, i was distracted due to slight anxiety regarding the date and time of my test. i knew that all i had to do was log in and i'd see the date, but i knew it was in the next week or 2. some time later. i was thinking the 8th. i should have written down the date, but instead simply relied on the fact that the date was stored on the state of tennessee's website. i chose the date that would give me the most time to study, but unfortunately i have been preoccupied with the move for a lot of the study time that i have had. I went to the website last friday to find out, but noticed the website had changed. a new format and a brand new look. logged in and, to my dismay, there was no information about the testing times or that i had even applied. panicking, i called the number i had been emailed but there was no answer. left a message and got no callback until this morning when i was told that i am scheduled to take the test tomorrow at 9:00am est. i don't need luck, so you needn't wish any for me. what i do need is time. i can't get more time, but i can use the time that i have wisely by not blogging this unread and unreadable crap.

END THE NIGHTMARE OF BURNED POPCORN ONCE AND FOR ALL WITH THIS SIMPLE WEIRD TIP (FREE)

Does your popcorn ALWAYS burn in your small microwave?

Well then I have a surprise for you! Just think of how many times you have burnt thru a bag of popcorn?

You know each bag is like a whole precious dollar!

Over the course of a single week of cooking popcorn, just imagine Burning like 3 of those bags. Seem like a reasonable number? Well then multiply that times 4 weeks to equal 1 month and then multiply THAT number by 12 (because their are 12 months in a year) to get...What?

$42.00!!!!!!!!!

Just imagine taking 2 twenty dollar bills and one of those weird two dollar bills. Now just imagine taking those bills and setting them on fire in a microwave.

IMAGINE BURNING A WHOLE $42.00 EVERY YEAR WITH GASOLINE OR KEROSENE!!

Do you realize what you can buy with $42.00? Well I'll just tell you what you can buy with $42.00!

CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT YOU CAN BUY WITH $42.00!!!!!!!!!!!

CLICK HERE ALSO TO SEE WHAT YOU CAN BUY WITH $42.00!!!!!!!!!!!!


THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT I FOUND OUT ABOUT HOW TO KEEP FROM BURNING YOUR POPCORN IN YOUR SMALL MICROWAVE!

WHAT YOU DO IS YOU TAKE THE CORNERS OF THE BAG AND YOU FOLD THEM UP LIKE YOU ARE FOLDING AN AIRPLANE MAKING THE NOSE OF THE AIRPLANE AND YOU DO IT VERY LIGHTLY AND THIS WAY THE CORNERS OF THE BAG DON'T GET STUCK IN THE MICROWAVE AND BURN THE POPCORN. COULD IT REALLY BE THAT EASY?

YES IT CAN WITH MY QUICK AND EASY TRICK YOU CAN DO IT!

scottophobia

free time is a missing puzzle piece that may have not been included in the box. you never really know. did the cat get it one day? did it get stuck between the box and the lid only to later fall on the floor and get kicked under the couch or something?
i have overcame my hatred for the sound of my own voice. i have done so while listening to my own voice reading the test preparation manual on mp3. i am not saying that it is in any way a good voice, but it isn't as bad as i used to think it was - you know, that is one of the main reasons i began smoking... i hoped that smoking would make my voice sound gravelly and mean; sort of like blind willie johnson (didn't). maybe with the right equalization and a pop filter, etc. it might even be radio quality [talk radio].




i am coming out of my depression, i think, despite the events of this last week. it just seemed like i screwed up constantly and if i didn't screw up, someone else did and i experienced the repercussions of their screw up. actually, all of last month was challenging [sucked]. i am glad that month is over now. i am actually looking forward to what the future has in store now. i am not (by any means [nor will i ever be]) cocky*, but i am starting to feel something that i haven't ever felt and i don't know what to do with it. i am starting to feel the tiniest amount of pride in my self. i think i am overcoming my fear of my own self.

*lord! i truly hate that word.

idk

having as much time to think whilst driving, i have sort of summed up what i have learned:
life is death
death is unavoidable
pain sucks-avoid it any way possible
help others avoid pain
everyone dies some day
today is a bunch of people's day to die
if you are alive it's a good day
enjoy beautiful things
laugh at yourself
don't do more than you have to unless you want to
don't worry about death don't worry
shut up, watch & listen