Life changes >= baby steps

Well, now. We are still doing this thing. I am more confident now that it will stick. We "diet" each work day and our 2 days off together, we eat regular foods. Time will tell.

When it all started

I was always a curious kid. I liked to explore and adventure. I had a crazy imagination. My problems began when I could not see where reality began and dreams ended. I still have this problem. Being misled early in life, I was a gun owner, church goer and GOP hat wearing conservative. Well I was all these things, but I never felt fulfilled. I never felt that I was on the right path. The path towards fulfillment lead me to conspiracy theories, survivalism, herbalism, spirituality, new age, outrage, confusion, and back to conspiracy theories. I developed a taste for electronic music particularly after hearing techno music. I had always played keyboards because my grandmother taught me the basics on her Baldwin organ as a child. I tried composing music using the keyboards I could afford, but hated everything I did except one composition I did in honor of my grandmother and I didn't like it unless it was drenched in reverb and kind of eerie sounding. The event that symbolized my first step towards personal growth was selling my MAK-90

(Yeah, I know...it was a little much.)

and my CZ-83

I used this money to buy my first guitar and amp. A Fernandez strat and a Peavey/Trace Elliot bass practice amp (on sale). I started writing poems and eventually started writing song lyrics. I picked out a few TOOL songs. I decided to take lessons which lasted for 3 months. Lessons were not fun and I decided that I needed to approach the instrument in a different way and learn it myself.

Having only taken 3 classes on guitar, I had to teach myself mostly thru guitar magazines, books and chord posters, because lessons were too expensive for me. I was not able to afford "good" equipment and settled for the entry level stuff. I found that it was OK to use so long as I did not care to sound just like someone else. As I learned more about effect processing, I began to develop a sound of my own.

I was not exposed to good music until it was old news and usually through my sister, who had friends that went to college. I did not go to college, so I did not fit into the college radio scene and I found that I did not fit into the local metal scene when my foot was stomped in a mosh pit by a very large guy in combat boots. I played in my bedroom. I played all the time. I sounded like garbage but I could play power chords and I had awesome rhythm, but not enough skill to play lead or learn other people's songs. I started composing in my own minimalist style. Then I met Jennifer. She was my muse. I started writing songs and recording on a 4-track that she bought me. I have quite a collection of rough recordings now and continue to record new things. Being poor, I had to get creative with my music. I developed an attitude that every sound is music. This means that I can play a song on a kids toy and hammer out percussion on a beer can. I started moving back towards electronic music after discovering circuit bending and diy electronics.

My growth and expansion led me back to conspiracy awareness and a spiritual awakening of sorts. I have started this project called nut as my one thing to make the world a better place.

nut
1.
a. An indehiscent, hard-shelled, one-loculated, one-seeded fruit, such as an acorn or hazelnut.
b. A seed borne within a fruit having a hard shell, as in the peanut, almond, or walnut.
c. The kernel of any of these.
2. Slang
a. A crazy or eccentric person.
b. An enthusiast; a buff: a movie nut.
3. Informal A difficult endeavor or problem: Painting the closet was a tough nut to crack.
4. Slang The human head.
5. Music
a. A ridge of wood at the top of the fingerboard or neck of a stringed instrument, over which the strings pass.
b. A device at the lower end of the bow for a stringed instrument, used for tightening the hairs.
6. A small block of metal or wood with a central, threaded hole that is designed to fit around and secure a bolt or screw.
7. Slang
a. The cost of launching a business venture.
b. The operating expenses of a theater, theatrical production, or similar enterprise: "The [theater] has simply failed to attract enough paying customers per week to meet its nut" Variety.
8. Vulgar Slang A testicle.

I am currently looking to purchase a MAK-90, if you are selling...

Peace!

Goodbye, blue sky

Sweet Jesus I am MAD! We were out walking this morning at about 10:30 in our neighborhood. Cold. beautiful. We took the dogs with us. They need exercise too. Sati is a schnauzer/terrier mix plus her cousin is a min-pin...anyway beautiful blue sky. Keep in mind we do live next to an airport and there is always a lot of low flying aircraft overhead. It is a moderately sized airport. Well, today there were at least 5 airplanes at relatively low level cris-crossing over Chattanooga. Now normally on a hot day we see planes fly overhead and they leave a trail. Common sense. Cars leave trails behind when it is cold. Upper atmosphere temperatures are cold even on a hot day...We see contrails left by aircraft at high altitudes. I see some that don't leave any trail on some days. Today, we have these planes flying over at relatively low altitudes (not so high that they look like a tiny dot-where you can almost make out markings on them with low quality binoculars) leaving extremely large trails that are not dissipating as usual. They spread out and cover the sky in a haze. Like I said, I know that airplanes will leave a contrail and I see these all the time living right next to an airport. I know that a contrail will last longer depending on what the temperature is (colder meaning the condensation will freeze into ice crystals), but I have a few arguments about this. First of all, The temperature gets lower the further up. How come it can be easily observed on the same day at the same time an airplane at an obviously higher altitude leaving a tiny contrail and at a much lower altitude (I have seen these aircraft like C-130s' actual propellers) leaving a contrail behind that does not dissipate. Secondly, This happens regardless of the temperature at ground level. It is just as likely to happen over Chattanooga when it is hot as when it is cold. Why would that be? Also. I work at a location in "Chattanooga" that is right on the border of Chattanooga, next to an airport and at a higher altitude so I can see a lot going on. I can watch directly overhead aircraft that are flying in a straight path obviously not going to land at the airport. Not climbing. They are cruising. I can observe them begin to leave these trails as they begin to pass over Chattanooga. OK. You may think temperature difference. Cities are hot, not cold. The temperature would increase slightly over a very big city maybe. Chattanooga is not that big. Here is the biggy. We were walking around our neighborhood just looking at this phenomenon. It was very busy in the sky. You could not help but notice it. As we turned to come back, I could see from my perspective a 5 pointed star being formed. minus one line. This was observed to be completed by an another airplane. Not from my current perspective. It was travelling the correct angle to complete the star but it was way off. Coincidence?

Websites are numerous that scientifically explain contrails or chemtrails as fact or fiction. I ran across a good one tho.
THIS one says they are not part of a conspiracy.



I go back and forth. The bottom line is that the sky is very busy and there is a lot of stuff going on that we are not being told. "Experts" argue if it is cloud seeding or something else, but what we need to understand is that it does not matter WHAT it is. This is definitely a conspiracy. No matter what it is. They may be trying to combat aliens by spraying some harmless bacteria in the atmosphere that would kill them. I don't necessarily subscribe to such an "out there" theory, but the simple fact is we have no idea what exactly it is. "experts" use straw men arguments to discredit chemtrails and this is the biggest sign to me that there is more to it. Is it some kind of new phenomenon caused by some new aircraft fuel or what. If it were for our benefit, If we were being saved from anything at all, someone would take credit for it! Considering all the talk by influential billionaires like ted turner about population control, I think we should be at least a little concerned and we should ask at least a few questions and expect at least a good honest answer.

All talk and no action

Should you ever simply say "Stop! it's good enough!"? If you see that something needs improvement, shouldn't you make the changes to improve it or just ignore those thoughts? I am such a perfectionist that I appear as a procrastinator. Hell, maybe I am that too, but I can't seem to ever finish a project. I know that I may be struggling with a mild case of ADHD, but I never feel the sense of completion unless it is with doing the dishes or cleaning house. I kind of actually LIKE doing these things (even though I hate doing it and frequently procrastinate) because of the feeling that I get that I am finished. This is done. And it was good. I rarely get that. I like that feeling and want to be out of lets get on with it mode and into the completion mode as far as my projects go. OMNI must be finished and Nut and the others needs to be officially started instead of just planned. I fucking hate planning. This could go on forever.

We win!

I think today was my big test. Jennifer and I went out to do some errands during this shopping season. We needed to stop by her office, the bank, the credit union, etc., etc., etc. People are mean and they suck. These toolbags drive these huge vehicles and run up your ass, merge without looking (or caring) almost as if they are so sick of their lives that they almost want to die. Imagine a small city like Chattanooga Tennessee, and imagine a single road, lets call it "Gunbarrel rd". On this road there is a Hobby lobby, a Walgreens, Fresh Market, Lowes, Petsmart, Walmart, Hamilton Place Mall, Target, Old Navy, Chick-fil-a, Sonic, Dairy Queen, Rooms to go, and much much more plus about 200 little specialty shops. Needless to say there is a little bit of a traffic problem there any day. Well, I was followed by someone that wanted to give us a mean look, almost hit by a woman in the opposite lane hollering obscenities at us, almost hit 3 more times and slammed on the brakes 3 or 4 times to save us. We finally got home safely. When we took our dogs on a walk in our "neighborhood", I was almost hit by an a-hole in a nice looking truck with blacked out windows who was driving around aimlessly around our complex going too fast (Keep in mind it is snowing and the ground is wet). Everyone wanted to go too fast and pass me and Jennifer too close, almost like they didn't see us.

I hate to whine and complain like this, but I am really only telling you this so you can see what all we went through. When We used to smoke, this would be the time that we would go for one or at least begin saying we need one. Jennifer and I both saw a woman smoking and we both commented at the same time that we are glad that we quit. We are SO in sync.

Still non-smokers. We win!

Yep, thats a "Grunge" pedal. Don't laugh. It sounds great for my purposes. why should I spend $100 on a "good" distortion. I don't sound "good" anyway. You can now hear my stuff on myspace if you wish to hear it. This setup will not be heard on line for a little while, because I have no place to set up and record now. Small apartment 2 rooms. Need too much time. The recorded stuff was done with the DOD preamp and a Line 6 Echo Park.

Why is it so hard?

I find myself needing a cigarette sometimes still. Usually when it is cold outside and I have just had some spicy food. This time of year is gonna be hard for me. I kept the smoking thing a secret from my parents and other family members because I had quit years ago due to almost dying. Shame. Anyway, the holidays are hard because of so much stress, but I hope that the lack of nicotine in my body will make me feel less stress than before... We shall see!

Hello again

It has been far too long. Jennifer and I have started the whole diet thing seriously. It has been a week now. I figured it would be best not to mention a diet till I knew we were gonna be on it for more than a week. We are both happy with it. We know that we have made the right decision. I feel very good about this now. I feel better and have more energy. I now realize that I thought I felt better after quitting smoking. We are doing the whole "Weight Watchers" flex plan with the counting points. It is fun and I find that I only eat a little less than I used to. Yay! Pants are loose! Let's celebrate with cheese!

Thanksgiving

The Holidays. Dieting. Yeah right! Fat chance! I love eating stuffing so much I can't stand it! There is no way that I can do it now. I have to though. I am going to have to really work hard. This means A LOT of exercise including cardio. God I hate cardio. I also plan to do a lot of yoga too. Maybe this will help with the eating thing as well. Who knows?

Here it comes again. When it gets cold outside...this was my favorite time to smoke. Especially after dinner. So far, so good, but I was tested the other day with a lot of traffic and a long wait. Ran into an old friend that smokes like a chimney. The way I used to. Actually did not bother me too much. I DID have body aches after being exposed to the smoke for a while. This is a reminder that it IS a toxin and it IS killing us. Not that I am a Nazi about it. Hell, I smell all kinds of bad things besides cigarette smoke that is just as harmful or worse. I just am having problems lately. That's all. I just got over a bad cold, and I can see where I was going wrong before. I get better when I don't go outside to smoke a cigarette while I am sick. Somehow I would not see this simple logic when I was a smoker.

Uhhhhhhhhhh....Richard!

I meant to post this a couple of days ago...I think that it is SOOOO funny when some guy calls in and is really mean and rude and then when I get their name, it is "Richard". This makes me smile every time. Hell, I laugh before I get to the name because I am wondering if their name really is "Richard". BTW, I have always wondered why you would be called "Dick" when your name is "Richard". I understand "Rich" (well, maybe not...), "Rick", "Ricky", but not "Dick". Most importantly, why would you choose to go by the name "Dick" when your name is "Richard" (I hate quoties) anyway?

Bingo! I have actually got something accomplished. I got a "light snake" and transferred my 3 tapes to our computer. Today, I cut out a few songs and converted them from wmv to MP3 and edited them with Audacity. I then uploaded them to myspace. The tracks I uploaded were called Knee Jerk, OM alone, and Shelly. These tracks replaced a few of my least favorite ones that were recorded on a cell phone's voice note recorder. I am happy enough with the results to post them to myspace. I did a little editing with audacity. Adding reverb and quantizing any off time delay effects. I felt compelled to layer in some sounds I have collected including some from "SETI". Shelly has no lyrics at this time because Jennifer and I are still working on them, but Knee Jerk does. The lyrics are posted on myspace as well. Jennifer sings on one of my recordings of Knee Jerk. It is a song about recognizing the power of fear in our lives and attempting to avoid avoidance. I am truly proud of OM alone which was a one shot deal. I was really in a trance or something and this noise just came out. I was really honing in on some extra terrestrial transmittions then. I think I had a string of drool about a yard long too...I cried after this one.

First Post

Well, I now have purchased an audio interface for the computer so I can express my feelings on the internet thru music instead of writing/typing (not my best skills). I will post the progress on this as things start to happen. I have 3 cassette tapes full of my compositions, licks, runs, riffs, etc. When I located these tapes I almost completely went insane because I discovered that my most important tape had been crushed. I had to perform emergency cassette tape ribbon transplant surgery. Success! As of today, I have already recorded my cassette tapes of 4-track recordings from my most intense period of inspiration shortly after my near death experience from Peritonitis.

Just plaine sTOOpid

Imagine this couple: Richard and Nadine. (Dick and Nad's wedding). If my name were Nadine, I would not go by "Nad" and if my name were "Richard" I would not go by "Dick", because these names are the same names used for a dick and nads. That said, a dick can also be a cock or a prick or a gristle or a schlong, or a member (Gross!) so maybe we should not call a penis a dick. Who knows. Maybe that is where the origin of the word "dick" used for penis came from. Maybe some Richard guy was a big a-hole and so was called "Dick" by his peers to taunt him. Who knows. Who cares? I care. Its late. Need sleep. Thank you for being here in this space with me my brothers and sisters. Forgive me for my foul language and stoopid joke. I just thought of it while watching some infomercial. those things are hypnotizing. I suggest reading a book instead. There that is the moral of this whole post...read more books instead of watching infomercials. They inspire stoopid jokes and such! Goodnight!~

Tap that ash

God I have wanted a cig so bad in this last week! I have not wanted one in a while. I have a secret. A friend that smoked these teeny tiny little thin menthol cigarettes left a pack here. I saw it and made a little mental note. I have known this for like 6 months or something. I do not like menthol at all so this has not been a big deal, but have I thrown them away? They have been beckoning me. I know that if I get them out, I will end up desperately smoking one and freaking out trying to hide the smell that Jennifer will smell with her radar nose. then i think to myself, here now, Why do you want to smoke so bad? maybe you could try something else...eating? Nope. maybe something like exercise? I guess.

This has been a hard couple of weeks for some reason. I love my job right now, even on the bad days, but the bad days seem so very bad. People are so freaking mean and stupid sometimes. I think back to times when I acted similar and it seems like it was when I was around 12 or so, maybe 9. Lashing out, name calling, lying, accusing, not accepting consequences for my actions, not holding myself accountable, feeling entitled, you get the idea. Anyway, I have not smoked. I just want one really bad. I guess that it is ok that I want to. Or is it? Should I allow myself to be happy? I love to smoke so much. The smoking itself is great but the social part is even better. I just miss it. That's all. If you have never smoked before, you will never know what it's like. It's like being told you can never have peanut butter and chocolate again. Period. It just sucks. Thank you so much for reading this blog. I hope that it helps you in some way, even just to laugh at my poor writing skills. ~

Whoa, What year is it?

Like forever = The length of time since my last post on this blog. I have tossed and turned like a big fat hog on a spit over a fire because of this. I Have actually lost some pounds since then. My wife has too. God I have wanted a cig~ sorry! I will save that for my other blog. I still have actually (Since then) busted out of my pants at work 2 times. WTF!!! I am getting fatter!? They do not make pants big enough for me in "Normal" stores anymore. I got 2 new pairs of pants on my birthday that I cant even wear and they were the largest that I could get in the stylish cargo pants in olive green. I guess its off to the "Big and Tall" store for a pair of elastic waited stretch pants. Is my ass THAT big? Whatever. I should not care. I am working on it. I have been my whole life. I got control of it about 10 years ago, but then I met my wife (I'll blame her!) and lost control. It's just that she makes the best pastries you have ever eaten. Oh well. If you are out there reading this, wish me luck. I am still at it, just not communicating as usual for the men of my family. We simply do not communicate well. Wish us luck with that too. Smiley faces to you all for reading, audios, cya!

54321

Good lord! It's been a while since I wrote like this. It is definitely good to get these bad words out. It helps me.

I guess we are steaming now.

I almost snuck and bummed one off of a coworker. I was desperate. Well the person I was speaking with on the phone was a complete and utter a** hole who's password to the account was "hummer" and who was really pissed off that his blackberry was not working. He took it out on me. Why do some people like to draw attention to themselves? Anyway, I did not. I am proud of myself! Jennifer has done wonderfully and has lost a lot of weight. I have gained it. My pants are ripping lately too. Getting too big for my breetches! Oh well. At least I wont die from a heart attack because of the heart problems associated with smoking!

ATTENTION!

I have successfully quit smoking and now I am fat, fat, fat. I swear, I have one great big oral fixation don't I? Don't answer that.
Anyway, I am sick of being called names. I have been called many names.
(The Crisco™ Kid, Fatty, Big'un and my personal favorite: Fatboy.) I answer to them all. I am going to make the biggest change of my life and I am posting it all on the web for you to see and laugh at. I hope you enjoy your asses off. No really! Check out my weight loss blog now. Thanks for reading!
Oh, yeah! My thumb is fine! Thanks for asking! (that was meant to make you feel bad for not really asking or caring). {*_*}

Almost ready...

Yep, I weigh 380. I never thought I could weigh this much. I do have a large frame and "big bones" so I don't necessarily look like someone that weighs 380 typically. I'm not that tall so most of it is just plain fat. Seeing the actual number made me really want to do something. Blogging the journey from smoking really helped me, so I figured I'll blog the journey from "what can I get ya', bigun?". It might help someone else too.

I plan to start off by not eating for 3 days. This is merely because I feel that I need it emotionally and spiritually. I am so dependant on food, I need to develop my other interests. You will probably be privy to a lot of blogs on this journey because when I stopped smoking, I started really eating. I play guitar too and I would really like to play seriously, so I should devote more time to my actual playing instead of thinking about playing while I eat buffalo wing flavored pretzel nuggets (Holy crap, those are so freaking good!).

Tonight, Jennifer and I will meet with a friend who had gastric bypass. She has lost a lot of weight already. I have thought about the surgery and I am not comfortable with being put under again. I almost died last time. I would rather do it the old fashioned way, because I am an old fashioned guy. In a week I will probably be freaking out over food. Time will, as always, tell...

Very soon

Yep, it is almost time. I went to the doctor to find out what is wrong with me. Nothing. I am just fat. More self discipline? Probably so. Will talk soon. Here is a picture for your amusement.

Just one of those days

It is absolutely beautiful today. The wind is blowing just enough to make the wind chimes jingle pleasantly. It's hot as hell out there, but it feels good inside with the air conditioning. It feels good to get out. I crave fish.

Not yet...

Nope. Not yet. for lunch I had a PB & J. Diet Dr. Pepper, and a little debbie (if I told you which one you would laugh). If this were not enough, I also gobbled down half a bag of Combos™ and 2/3 bag of mini Reese's' peanut butter cups. Sheesh. I have a problem. What can I say. I did not always do things like this. It becomes a comfort obsession. Like a meditation. Some people expand their consciousness, I expand my ass. My ankles are only moderately swollen now and very little discomfort! Hooray!

butt

Well, now...it's been a long time!

Yeah, it has been. Still fat. Check out my fat blog. Nothing out_o'my/feeNGRS for a while...
Still GD M-erF'in confused. Awaiting for some kind of sign from god to continue or stop what I am doing. You know...lead me in the right direction. I don't know why...I believe that God does not care about such things. Why would an omnipotent creator be the least bit concerned with my puny pathetic little life? Who knows? (Rhetorical question) God is this nothing/everything. We are merely small fractions of total awareness limited by our body. Is it this simple? Is Jesus the one and only path? Is it Mohamed? Who knows? Maybe it is neither one or either one. I don't think that it matters. Why am I so confused and yet so sure? Who knows? I am definitely a spiritual freak. I have become aware that I am lazy. Extremely paranoid too. This is due to my frustration with god. Life has sucked sometimes. The crappy things that happen, when it rains it pours. Why doesn't it stop raining? Flooding? I hate the rain.

getting up the nerve

OK, I am a fat dude. I've been fat since childhood. It sucks to be fat. I am not going to spend a lot of time on this blog telling sob stories. They just make me mad. No promises that a sob story or two will not come out later!

I worked on my feet for a very long time in retail, surveying, light industrial and CNA work. I ate enough to maintain my fatness. After leaving the ER to work for more money and better benefits in customer service on the phones, I began gaining weight. The struggle became increasingly harder as time progressed. Sitting in a cubicle taking calls. Smoking increased. Health decreased. Things got even worse after I quit smoking. To satiate my oral fixation, I ate more than ever. This caused me to gain enough weight that my clothes ceased to fit. The stress of life must have got to me because I began having swelling of the feet and ankles and restless legs. Fearing that my heart was in bad shape, I took a long lunch and went to the walk-in clinic. My blood pressure was fine. Thank god! What a freaking relief. Well Now I'm peeing a lot because I was put on some kind of water pill. Great...I feel like an old man.

I will make a few predictions here. I will lose at least 50 pounds of fat by the end of this year. When will I start?

Guess What?

Well, it happened. I actually got the craving. I wanted to smoke one today. It was a rough one, and Jennifer and I picked up a little caesar's pizza on the way home. After eating a few pieces, I wanted to smoke one. Long day. I think that the whole world needs a freakin' cigarette today. A bunch of crazies today. I did not smoke and currently don't want to. Yay! I lost count how many days. We rock!

Hang Up

I might have mentioned before that I work in customer service. Yeah. Anyway, I had an interesting day today. I rarely get hung up on...I mean, like once every several months or so by some self important moron with a blackberry (Sorry-I know a lot of great people that use Blackberries and they do NOT think that they are of a different class). Today I got hung up on by like 10 people. All of them were rude, pushy, condescending, A-holes. I know that our economy sucks and life sucks when you are poor, and the work is hard, but people!!! You need to be nice. There is no reason not to be courteous, even when you are irritated.
Being a decent human being 101:

Slow down. Are you delivering a kidney?!!

Accept the blame. It probably is your fault. Just say "I'm sorry".

Say "Thank you" or "You're welcome" and "Please" and "Excuse me".

Stop with your sarcasm. It's not funny anymore!

Consider that there are OTHER people with THEIR OWN feelings.

Try to accommodate other people and their needs just a little bit!

Do NOT tailgate!

Look strangers in the eye and SMILE.

Start nice because it can get ugly.

Hold yourself accountable for your actions.

Having a rough day? Be nice anyway! Better than acting like a child!

YOU ARE NO MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE NEXT PERSON!

Be nice to strangers!

SLOW DOWN!!!

YOU'RE NOT MORE ENTITLED!!!

NONE OF US ARE "ROCK STARS".

WE ARE EQUALS!!!

DAY 30

I am in utter disbelief of how much better I feel. I have had some quiet mourning and some depression, but I still made it. I hate cigarettes because of what they did to me. I hate them because I became so dependent on them. Jennifer is doing even better than me. She is on day 32. She helps me when I am depressed for what ever reason, and I help her when she is depressed for what ever reason. We go good together. Yay!


THUMB UPDATE:
I just took this shot of my thumb. It was fine after a few days before. Yesterday it started hurting a little. Then it swelled, turned purple and eventually burst. Blood poured out of it. I have treated it with Hydrogen Peroxide, Betadine, Mercur-o-clear, ice and elevation. If you have any suggestions on what I should do, E-Mail me. Thanks for reading.

Dive

Went to a dive. Friend's birthday. 40th. She wanted to go to a dive...you know, karaoke, beer and cigarettes. Rednecks. TIGHT Jeans (32s that should be 36s-with the shirt tucked down below the belly fat) and "cowboy" boots. Thing is...I did not want a cigarette the entire 6 hours I was there listening to boot skootin' and girls screaming while dry humping each other. I actually Never want to smoke again...It made me feel a little sickly. I am not going to smoke again. I am probly not gonna go to a dive again either. (I used to go to this dive~when I smoked...and had a perfectly good time!). It's like cigarettes hypnotized me. Not any more.

Hard little workers!

People are always like "Ewwww! Maggots!", but maggots are really hard workers. They exhibit teamork too! Bonus: they are working together for their own selfish motives (i.e. Growth, yummy decayed carcass) but most maggots win. There are not a few at the top that have it all (as far as maggots go). Just lots of simple little maggots eating things that we think are gross. Flipping over a dead squirrel with a stick. Yep. There they are.

Can you believe? We made it!

It has been a long long time, but Jennifer and I have made it without smoking for 20 days. I had a dream about smoking last night. I then woke up, feeling a little ashamed for smoking in my dream, took in a deep breath and...did not cough! I would not have made it if it were not for Jennifer. She is now on day 22. A much stronger person than I, she encouraged me to not give up or give in. I am eternally grateful to her.

If you are going to quit smoking, do so "cold turkey" because any other method only prolongs the painand suffering. Expect to gain some serious weight because of quitting. Drink lots of water because it will help with the eating AND coughing. Expect to cough MORE than when you smoked. This is simply your lungs getting rid of the junk via mucus. Quit ONLY when you can do so with a close friend who loves you no matter what. You will need a lot of love to get you through it. I LOVED to smoke for so many reasons, but if I can get through it, I know anyone can.

WE MADE IT!

{*_*}

Well, The nights are difficult now. After like 10:00 pm I start having tremors. My legs draw up and I get extremely anxious. I become unable to think or speak coherently. The daytime has greatly improved. I think I have got most of this crap out of my system. Jennifer just told me that she feels happier. I feel better. I am going to make it.

Turn your head and Cough?

I think that this was the hardest day so far. zero for 4 days...something like that. Jennifer and I are not fighting each other, but we do sometimes catch ourselves start to argue over things like standing up or taking off socks, or how we take care of something. My nerves are raw, flayed nerves exposed to the airor something else. We are in this toogether so...I am not erady for what is to come around here. Wish me luck. I think. How's your legs..."

Wow, I guess I am writing a novel in my sleep. Hope you enjoyed that one! I needed to quit anyway, because I cough a lot now. Bronchitis or something else. Compromised lungs? Quitting was the best thing I could have done. I will breathe more clean air now. I should drink more water though... Here Goes!

OMGOMGOMG

Words simply cannot describe the utter hell I feel for lack of a smoke. How stupid. I Jammed my thumb in the doorway to our bathroom after washing Sati the dog in the tub.

The Blinding pain I felt made me only desire a Camel, like crazy. Still at zero smoking for about 4 days now. Every little thing hurts my psyche. Non-smokers, go to hell! You have NO idea what it is like. Sorry, I will not erase that because it is not me talking and I wish to keep all of this recorded. I hate using spaces. I will stopnow.JenniferandIhavehadaroughtimewithsmoking,butIthinkthatwewillovercomethis.Also,shemayhavefoundanewjob!Thingscouldbelookingupforusnow...timewilltell!Thanksforreading.

another go at it

I am jealous that Jennifer is having less trouble with it than I am. That has motivated me. I just smoked my last cig and I tried to enjoy it as much as I could, but I didn't really enjoy it. anyway I am quitting this second. God help us.

Hoorah

Things must always get worse before they get better. 4 a day now. Yay! I am such a strong person {sarcasm}. I feel good though. I think that when I cut down to 1 a day I will have little trouble. Whenever that time comes, I will survive. Until then, I will smoke more than 1 a day. The only question is when is that day coming? When can I be man enough?

What if we all quit our jobs?

There are no more jobs except gutting chickens, running a f#cking "cash" register or cleaning shit that no one wants to clean. You get the idea. There are apparently too many people that have figured out how to succeed in life and make too much money doing nothing for society. The rest of us are left to clean up their crap. Why don't we quit working and spending money? I bet a human resources person would call an applicant back then!

This sucks

all I have to say. Depression. Work. Society. It all sucks. Thanks for reading.

OK. So I am still smoking...

Yep. I have not quit yet. Still on around 3 a day, oh wait, wasn't it 2? Anyway, I am in shock. This is REALLY hard! Just wanted to tell no one, so...you know. Post it in a blog. Thank you for reading.

Being a fatty

It sucks to be a fatty. A food addiction is NOTHING like smoking, or drinking. You can go your whole life without smoking or drinking beer. You HAVE to eat. You have no choice. You can not avoid eating. This means that you are constantly forced to face your addiction...3 times a day. People are more understanding of a drug addict. We even tolerate an alcoholic over a fat person. Fat people cannot hide their vice, yet the serious eaters do a lot of their eating in hiding. It is because people think of the word fat and immediately think big, stupid, slow, gross, lazy, smelly, hairy, ugly, etc. The word fat has so much more tied to it than, say, crack whore, or pothead. Is being thin all that matters in life? I have seen some fuggly thin people that are famous and rich. A lot of the "Sexy" people in hollywood have dog-like faces and personalities like that of a distressed colon, yet they are considered sex symbols. It just sucks to be a fatty, so starve yourself! Be extremely vain! Get mad when you see the small snickers costing $.99 and the king size costing $1.24. We are forced to be fat. This makes us weak and out of breath, over-eating their expensive junk food and paying more for clothes and yearning to be skinny and beautiful.

Wow! It has been too long!

What a freaking delayed reaction! My nervousness dropped and then skyrocketed. I get leg spasms. We are not fighting, in fact we are closer because of what we are going through together. I have been smoking still, but about 3 a day. One day I am fine (we have none) and then I get a pack and smoke 4 that day. Eating is still a problem for me. Some kind of oral fixation or something. I am sure I can beat this in time. I just need to make it a short amount of time.

To the butt!!!!!!!

My wife and I both have seriously reduced our daily nicotine dose to the point now where she told me this morning that she felt like her insides were crawling out of her fingertips. We have been smoking 1/2 cigarettes at a time so we could go smoke more frequently, even if it was not to the butt. Of all the days of having cut back to quit, today is the worst. We both are at our wits end and are acting strangely. We are fighting about things like a misunderstanding about the channel we are watching on TV or something. This would have happened sooner if we quit "cold turkey" (why is it called "cold turkey"?). My paranoia level is swelling slightly now.

I hate to bother you...

Quitting smoking is really just an excuse to become a cigarette bum! "Could I bum a cigarette from you? THANK YOU so much! You have no idea how much I needed this!" you say. Indeed they don't know, because they are not quitting smoking. Still at about 2.5 a day and sort of tapering off at this point. Need to make another step out of my comfort zone...we'll see.

The Sky fell

We are little bubbles in infinite waters
floating to the surface of the waters which is the infinite sky.
We have many adventures on our journey.
Finally we arrive at the surface but there is no longer a bubble.
We see that we are really sky surrounded by water.
We see that we are a part of the great big sky.
Where do we fit in?
Where is the hole that we must fill in the sky?
We look to see that the sky is infinite.
Eternal.
How can we be a fraction of infinity?
Through the math we finally realize
we are not just a small part of the sky.
We are the infinite sky.
This goes on.
This must go on.
Burst your bubble.

Droplets form rain that falls to the waters

Jitterbugz

So far, averaging 2.5 per day with a few jitters and no outbursts. I hate what this drug has done to me. I watch celebrity rehab and can relate to Jeff Conaway from Taxi freaking out over heroin, painkillers, cocaine and alcohol. Drinking a lot of water helps. So does eating. My pants are getting tight on me now. I think I will kick this completely in 2 weeks! I better, because I am fat enough as it is. Next project: Become a starving artist.

Cleaning out my ears

I have absolutely nothing to say today. Am I tired? Not really. Am I bored? Don't think so. Am I restless? No. I just think that it is good to NOT talk sometimes. That is what I will do now.

Could not write till now...Computer too frustrating!

I have lost all track of time...down to 2 a day now. I get really shaky after 6 hours. I feel more energetic and it makes me act a little strange. Maybe it is simply the nicotine that makes me more passive. I know that I have a motormouth now. I get mad about politics now and passionate. You probably would not like me now. I am not sure if I like me not on their drug. Maybe I just have known myself so long on their drug that I forgot who I really am. Maybe I have never really known myself.

Day 1

Well, I quit. I enjoyed smoking so much. Isn't that stupid sounding? I liked to inhale smoke. Well, we can discuss the habit at length, but the simple fact is that I am not going to do it anymore...well, I mean, a LOT less. I smoked about 1/2 a pack a day. I tried cold turkey before and I am not going to put myself through that ever again. I smoked my last one around 3:30am on new year's day. I have had the withdrawal symptoms for a few hours. I am going to smoke one today because I am extremely jittery and nervous. I have not noticed any irritability yet. Time will tell.

It is so cold outside, I barely enjoyed the cigarette anyway. Still a little jittery. I plan to smoke none tomorrow. Work will test my patience.